im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
