That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
