and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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