Little spoons don't ask big questions
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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