Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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