I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
