Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
