i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
