Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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