Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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