i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
