The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she smelled like a LAN party
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
