I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
