Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
