Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
