pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
