My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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