angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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