Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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