As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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