i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
