Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
