So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
