Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
