If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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