dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
