so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
