I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
