i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
