awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
