you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
