i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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