you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
