You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
