so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
