Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
