oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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