Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
