Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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