Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
worst night to have a conscience
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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