you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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