i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
