I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
