ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
