i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
handjob tips. give me some.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
