I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
