New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she pinky promised me she was 18
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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