so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
