I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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