..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
