There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
