Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
