I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
