I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
