Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
