Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
