I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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