I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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