your parents love me but you hate me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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